Who I was verses Who I am now

Who I was. When I was younger I was living day to day going through high school with guys trying day after day in P.E to rape me. I became a scared paranoid person. I became so withdrawn with people I lost the friends I did have and the ones who tried to help left. I was abandoned by everyone close to me. I was too scared to tell my family and when I told them about it in High school they thought I was lieing. To be honest I do no blame them for thinking I was Lieing. Throughout my life I was a compulsive Lier to keep myself from ending up worse than I already was. Eventually I snapped and then I was known as the Crazy emo fag. Great title if you want people to leave you alone. Which was how my high school was. Throughout high school I was alone with no friends. The friends I did have knew nothing about me because most of what I told them were lies. I was this hard ass with no emotion. If you crossed me, you ended up fearing me shortly after. I was alone. An outcast in my family and in public.

When I entered college I really started to change. I came out to my closest friends and then I kinda bloomed like a flower (yea I know gay in an ironic way). Either way I started to open up trying to continue my search for that person who would complete me. Now at the time I knew what I wanted, Where I wanted to be. I wanted to be an art teacher. Go to school get my degree in Fine and Graphic arts and minor in teaching and Have a family with the man I love. My mistake could have been that I wanted to find the person before I got to where I wanted. But I wanted to share all my experiences with someone because I have been alone my entire life. No one knew anything about me and I wanted my special someone to see me progress. See me become a greater person. But in my search I apparently lost myself. Somewhere along the way I lost who I wanted to be. What I wanted to be Has changed a little bit. I want to be a greater father/parent than my parents were to me. I wanted and still want to adopt a kid who deserves a family. I am still In school for my art, but I have no minor, I am still alone, My dreams of being a teacher has become being a stay at home parent who creates art on the side. Do I still want to teach art. Yes. Do I want to get my degree. Yes. Do I want to be a stay at home father. Yes, but I want to stay at home till my kids are able to stay at home alone legally at age 13, Then I would go find my job as a teacher. I want to live my life with someone by my side as support. To be with a person that I can experience new things. Someone to comfort me when I fail and fall.

The problem with my dreams and who I wanted be is that I have a ton of dependencies. I have a fear of driving which prevents alot of job opportunities, going out with friends, traveling, pretty much prevents me from having a life with other people because I have to be dependant on others. I have panic attacks and anxiety attacks behind the wheel of a turned off car. I am afraid to meet new people. There are very few people I feel comfortable with and large crowds, non artistic people scare me. I made all my friends through other people. I have panic attacks when I am forced to do something alone. It is a fear of mine that prohibits me from living a normal life. For the Longest time I could not use a public restrooms, I cannot talk to a teacher 1 on 1, I cannot go pay for items at a store without panicking. Most of these fears go away when I am with a person. These fears prevent me from having a normal life. I am afraid of being alone because I get flashbacks of what happened in elementary school with people trying to rape me. I have fears of that happening when I am alone again. Most people cannot understand what it is like to live my life. Maybe no one ever will understand how it affecting me. It just does. I might be one of those broken people. A person so damaged they cannot ever live a normal life.

Because of everything that has gone on in my life leads me to who I am now. I am a man who has no control of his life, Has no clue how to gain control, does not how to be a normal person. I have developed a dependant personality. It is to the point where I seem like a pet. I rely on others to make me happy again. Doing that on my own is almost impossible. Sure I have happy moments but it is nothing that stays. Like I do not have a job so everyone else has to feed me. People let me stay at their places, They feed me and I take what is given because I am happy to get anything from others. The physical attention from others the touch of a hug or a cuddle is what makes me really comforted. It makes me feel safe. It is really like an animal instinct. I am no better than a house cat with dreams.

I forgot my train of thought for now so I guess that is it for now. Till next time. bye bye