Who I was verses Who I am now

Who I was. When I was younger I was living day to day going through high school with guys trying day after day in P.E to rape me. I became a scared paranoid person. I became so withdrawn with people I lost the friends I did have and the ones who tried to help left. I was abandoned by everyone close to me. I was too scared to tell my family and when I told them about it in High school they thought I was lieing. To be honest I do no blame them for thinking I was Lieing. Throughout my life I was a compulsive Lier to keep myself from ending up worse than I already was. Eventually I snapped and then I was known as the Crazy emo fag. Great title if you want people to leave you alone. Which was how my high school was. Throughout high school I was alone with no friends. The friends I did have knew nothing about me because most of what I told them were lies. I was this hard ass with no emotion. If you crossed me, you ended up fearing me shortly after. I was alone. An outcast in my family and in public.

When I entered college I really started to change. I came out to my closest friends and then I kinda bloomed like a flower (yea I know gay in an ironic way). Either way I started to open up trying to continue my search for that person who would complete me. Now at the time I knew what I wanted, Where I wanted to be. I wanted to be an art teacher. Go to school get my degree in Fine and Graphic arts and minor in teaching and Have a family with the man I love. My mistake could have been that I wanted to find the person before I got to where I wanted. But I wanted to share all my experiences with someone because I have been alone my entire life. No one knew anything about me and I wanted my special someone to see me progress. See me become a greater person. But in my search I apparently lost myself. Somewhere along the way I lost who I wanted to be. What I wanted to be Has changed a little bit. I want to be a greater father/parent than my parents were to me. I wanted and still want to adopt a kid who deserves a family. I am still In school for my art, but I have no minor, I am still alone, My dreams of being a teacher has become being a stay at home parent who creates art on the side. Do I still want to teach art. Yes. Do I want to get my degree. Yes. Do I want to be a stay at home father. Yes, but I want to stay at home till my kids are able to stay at home alone legally at age 13, Then I would go find my job as a teacher. I want to live my life with someone by my side as support. To be with a person that I can experience new things. Someone to comfort me when I fail and fall.

The problem with my dreams and who I wanted be is that I have a ton of dependencies. I have a fear of driving which prevents alot of job opportunities, going out with friends, traveling, pretty much prevents me from having a life with other people because I have to be dependant on others. I have panic attacks and anxiety attacks behind the wheel of a turned off car. I am afraid to meet new people. There are very few people I feel comfortable with and large crowds, non artistic people scare me. I made all my friends through other people. I have panic attacks when I am forced to do something alone. It is a fear of mine that prohibits me from living a normal life. For the Longest time I could not use a public restrooms, I cannot talk to a teacher 1 on 1, I cannot go pay for items at a store without panicking. Most of these fears go away when I am with a person. These fears prevent me from having a normal life. I am afraid of being alone because I get flashbacks of what happened in elementary school with people trying to rape me. I have fears of that happening when I am alone again. Most people cannot understand what it is like to live my life. Maybe no one ever will understand how it affecting me. It just does. I might be one of those broken people. A person so damaged they cannot ever live a normal life.

Because of everything that has gone on in my life leads me to who I am now. I am a man who has no control of his life, Has no clue how to gain control, does not how to be a normal person. I have developed a dependant personality. It is to the point where I seem like a pet. I rely on others to make me happy again. Doing that on my own is almost impossible. Sure I have happy moments but it is nothing that stays. Like I do not have a job so everyone else has to feed me. People let me stay at their places, They feed me and I take what is given because I am happy to get anything from others. The physical attention from others the touch of a hug or a cuddle is what makes me really comforted. It makes me feel safe. It is really like an animal instinct. I am no better than a house cat with dreams.

I forgot my train of thought for now so I guess that is it for now. Till next time. bye bye

Who am I?

My blog is called We are one because of the Song We are One. Yes I know it is the song from Lion King 2 Simba's Pride (by the way it is one of my favorite movies ever)but the meaning of the song really fits how I should see my life instead of just pitching a hissy fit. So when I feel like things have not gone how I planned You will probably read about it.

If you think my life is interesting enough then follow me. I am going to warn you that my life is not a big bowl of fruit loops. I tend to see it in the worst ways. I guess that is the meaning of a pessimist.


Now onto my first problem. Do you know the feeling you get when someone is cuddling to you and that feeling of protection and safeness (is that a word?)? How do you cope with losing that feeling? For over 12 years of my life I had not felt that feeling. To me I feel that when I am cuddling up to a person I really care about. Normally I was feeling that for the first time in 12 years with my boyfriend. Well recently we broke up and That feeling was the feeling I was looking for and was now taken away. I lost the feeling of being safe and protected. Now I know I am probably just a big baby but hey, I am 21 and I cannot feel safe in my life. I do not have that person who used to comfort me. We are still friends or at least trying to be friends but that feeling isn't as strong anymore knowing that the bond we had is lessened. He said he is always there for me and wants to comfort me, but the problem is that I need the physical contact of a close male friend (female friends hugs make me uncomfortable) and he is the only one I have and when I need it he is not able to be there. Now as a Boyfriend I think he would be willing to come get me and let me stay over there while I had my moment. To be honest I never really needed those comforting holds because I was with him. I knew I always had someone who could help me or comfort me when I needed it. I knew that I wasn't going to be spending all my nights alone. Now I feel like a burden when I want him to comfort me. I do not know what is expected as a friend. I do not know what a friend like he wants to be does. I have never had many friends in my life. I have been a loner. Doing what I needed to, to survive. Do I ask for my exboyfriend/friend to come get me, or do I just stay where I am and Cry. I do not know what a friend does. I do not know how I can get that feeling of being comforted and feeling safe.

Well that is it for now. I guess I will just update when I find an answer, or have something else I need answering. In future posts I will talk about What has happened in my past and how it affects my day to day life.